supreme court and gay marriage

My sister Rita posted her thoughts in response to our nation's Supreme Court ruling on the equality of marriage for all people, including gay people like myself. Letter to My Children about Gay Marriage. Here is most of my response to her:

Dear Rita,

fourth of July

It will come to you as no surprise that I am sitting here tears streaming down my face at reading your email/post. That I inherited from Dad, and is a sign of good flow in life for me. I am very touched by what you write and feel. I sure hope that with your writing more people will feel compassion like you do, especially for their own children and circles, around these issues of sexuality.

May I share with you a few thoughts?

The Supreme Court decision has brought many marginalized citizens a feeling of immense joy and inclusion. We are not the outliers any more. Years ago I didn't think gay marriage necessary, but seeing the tears of joy brought by this gesture to couples up close on tv screens, and at meals together, has changed my mind. Why exclude same-gender couples from this significant ritual of love, especially when they want it so badly, and it harms no one in the process? Not only have polls changed to reflect a majority of our country-folk now viewing sexual orientation as a non-issue, but most states have passed inclusive legislation, and now the Supreme Court majority also reflects a more inclusive tone. This fear-mongering that children will suffer, that traditional values are going to pot, that somehow our society is the worse-off in a basic way is falling by the way-side. Homophobia, feminine-hating, and strict gender binary are thankfully easing their grip.

My facebook feed exploded with rainbows, and facebook announced that 26 million users used the rainbow filter on their profile pictures from Friday to Sunday alone. In the succeeding days my conservative friends have posted reiterances of their stance on marriage between a man and a woman, etc., including several fears. I have chosen to just keep scrolling and focus on the positive. I am not deleting anyone.

Returning here to Utah to visit Casey I am angry all over again. After the house-warming part Saturday a few of Casey's gay friends (couples, other doc's, neighbors) sat around the table. All too predictably they recounted their sadness at rejection from previous belonging groups, sadness over parents, perceptions of society of them as creeps, etc. They told stories of their explanations to family and friends, over and over again. Facebook posts they were going to write. Etc. Of course intermingled were funny accounts and happiness that the country was coming around (though not their home state), words of certain Supreme Court justices, comedians, politicians, and other supportive family and friends. I was saddened and angered to hear how live this nerve was. The same old conflict in still going on so strongly here. So much time spent beating over the same issue. Years. In Seattle it is generally such a non-issue. People ask about my partner like they ask about the weather and exercise routine. People aren't explaining, fighting, crying, struggling. Like a friend told me about San Francisco, we are so "post-gay." I've experience the same thing in Argentina, Canada, and Spain. I look forward to the point when our country no longer expends so much precious struggle on this, and it is a thing of the past.


Opponents of gay marriage are now in the minority it seems. Welcome to how a minority has felt all of their life. I see the fears, and as you say "fist-waving" and "feet-stomping" as demonstrations of an underlying fear and smallness. Scarcity mentality versus abundance mentality. I see posts by some family and other religious friends mostly seemingly out of fear. I hope they will see that their fears are not warranted, and feel more secure as time goes on. I choose not to spend much of my time answering or engaging the segment of society that opposes me or gay marriage. I surely am glad that many thousands DO engage, talk, explain. On some level it needs to keep happening. But I've done that for so many years, am tired of it, it's not helping me, and prefer to spend my energy building a future instead of trying to placate the worries of the paranoid. (Harshly spoken perhaps, but my current truth.)  My therapist has asked me questions like, "Percy, why do you keep explaining things?" "Why does their opinion matter so much to you?" "What would you do with your energy if you didn't spend time doing that?"


On another note, I thank you for your affection .... and in the same breath I very much hope that you do not idealize (or demonize) me. You first-hand have seen how unreasonable or withdrawn I can be for several hours when I feel triggered. You know that I nude-hike and camp with friends. I refer you to my post: oneworldp.blogspot.com/2013/01/will-you-still-love-me.html, not all ideas of which are simply hypothetical. Part of me accepts that I will be rejected again, sometimes cyclically, by those close or proximal to me. I have seen it already. You have seen it somewhat in your life with this adoption subject. I will be admired for a time, then reviled - thought evil and gross, then admired again, or relationships severed. C'est la vie. I life my life for me. I only live this life once. I want to experience the most happiness, presentness, compassion, transcendence.

Goodness this is getting long... almost done :).


Your blogging has again made me realize what a powerful tool it can be. You and I are both persuaders of sorts. It makes me want to keep blogging more for my oneworldp blog.


Thank you for not only being an ally, but an advocate. I look forward to being the same for you as fully as I can.


Love you tons, Percy