I love you... but...

I brace myself when I hear "I love you" from some people. I know that something else is likely coming.

"I love you" has tainted meaning for me coming from many biological family and religious folk. "I love you, but your lifestyle is evil." "I lov
e you, but you need to change." "I love you, but I want you to know that I don't agree with..."

Perhaps "I love you" is a magic wand that washes away all the shitty words they are going to say or have said in the past. Words which I do not say in their direction. Like if that phrase alone has the power to undo all of the stresses. Behavior can all be magically undone with a few words, "....but I love you."

Part of this comes from the stories growing up in Christianity. Take for example the story of Noah's Ark. Imagine you're a kid growing up hearing this....

God loves his children SO much. He gave them a bunch of rules. His children disobeyed him. SO HE KILLED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM on the whole planet except ONE family with a flood. [Insert distraction of cute animals in a boat.] But he LOVES YOU SO MUCH!

What kind of a fucked up schizophrenic story! What kind of a person would do that? What feelings of fear and unpredictable conflict this breeds in children and adults! Love mixed with deathly violence.

Other stories of Mormon prophets standing on walls telling people how sinful they were, apostles willing to be martyred and stoned for telling populations how evil they were, saints bent on preaching to the unbelievers. Talk about self-flagellation. That's not how you make friends and influence people.

No wonder many adherents propagate this sort of manipulation and psychosis on others. Willing to go to their graves in a crusade, or send others to their graves for not living exactly like them. They grew up with these stories.

As a reasoning adult I now speak up when I hear this kind of venom in my direction, under the guise of "I love you." Admittedly many people do this unconsciously. I insist that behavior and words match up. I insist that you not throw me knives and roses.

With people that do not have a history of doing this to me I see their loving expressions genuinely.


In my early thirties after the loss of my childhood religion I still looked for belonging in other congregational groups for a time. There IS a lot of beauty in people coming together circling around a certain meaning-making. I went with my then-boyfriend to various progressive denominations. One Christmas Sunday in Salt Lake City the preacher had all of the children come forward and sit under a huge crucifix up front with the naked christ spread out nailed, and Santa Claus sitting cheerily. They sang Christmas carols interspersed with her telling tales of Jesus loving them so much that he died for them, Santa needing them to be nice and be good, smiling warnings of not getting presents if they were disobedient, and plenty of effusive exclamations of God's love for them.

I looked at the children's faces and most gazed with wide eyes. Many smiled trying to be good. Some eye brows furrowed.

I thought... if I have kids I CANNOT, WILL NOT raise them with these fucked up fairy tales. The schizophrenic confusion and violence is not something I can stand by quietly witnessing. In fact, as an adult I cannot tolerate it. That was the last Christmas I sat in a church.

Perhaps it is my literalist nature. Perhaps it is my desire to be able to ask questions and have dialogues that make sense to me.


Why do I even write this? The reason is selfish. I want people who do this to me (who care) to read this and stop doing it.

Originally this blog was designed to come out [tell folks I'm gay] to extended family. They/you are so numerous, and the reactions so tentatively treacherous that I thought I would write it down, give those who want to time to read it and digest it, and then if they still wanted to interact with me do so in their own time. It still serves a similar purpose now (post-facebook) in sharing words with those that I hardly ever see, explaining to the conflicted estranged, and yes to connect with family that is supportive and consistent, though that is done primarily in other channels.

My patience is dried up with this issue. Do not mix "I love you" with you're "disgusting." (Literal quotes from one sitting conversation this year.) Yeah I'm mad. Yeah it hurts.

Many of my new chosen family have gone through similar journeys with their families or original tribe. To cope with the extreme family members some have had to create strong boundaries of protection. They see their parents only once a year. They only talk on the phone. They give a warning and then hang up when the abuse starts again. They say, "I'll see how I'm feeling about this in a couple of years" to an aunt. They say goodbye to the abusers. They form their own loving families with people who are happy to see them and care about them in a manner that feels good to them!

I had an extended family member die that was an asshole to me the last several years of their life. When invited to the funeral I politely declined, though under my breath I said something I don't believe in but gave an indication of my feeling and hurt. Rot in hell. (Oh, did I just write that out loud?)

I have been told all my life that when somebody dies I will regret not staying close to them. All I felt actually was relief and anger.

I have made peace with saying goodbye to someone hurtful forever. Even if they are blood. Peace feels so much better, even when there are empty spaces. Sometimes empty spaces create exactly the spaciousness needed for new flowers.