splitting

While at grad school for psychology I’ve discovered yet another defense mechanism that I have been using that now isn’t serving me. It’s called splitting.

old-growth tree

It’s a primitive defense mechanism, used to protect oneself from harmful individuals, initially. The infant or child classifies another person as either helpful or harmful, friend or enemy. A person who causes them trauma is avoided, or the guard is high, say excessive corporal punishment, abuse, emotional scarring. A person who meets their needs is labeled as helpful; food, love, belonging, aliveness.

Not having the ability to articulate or differentiate very well, this categorization is done simplistically. A negative emotion is felt, a need can’t be expressed, and the child shuts out the other. Dissociates. For the kid experiencing a trauma, this is a helpful defense mechanism. Genius. Life and fragile ego-saving.

Most people aren’t either all friend or all enemy though. They are a little bit of both perhaps. Growing up as an adult, most of us don’t have to experience the lack of autonomy and helplessness of a child. So later as an adult the key is to learn not to dissociate and regard others in tense situations as the enemy.

Hospital situation

I was working on a hospital floor and the nurse that was training me bothered me. She knew her stuff and went through the motions well, but something about her manner seemed condescending. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but as the hours and days ticked away the stress in me built and built.

One day I was very hungry so I went to eat the banana I had in my locker. She found me in the break room and told me that I was not allowed to leave the floor without giving report on all my patients to another nurse, etc. I responded that I did not leave the floor, that it took me about the same amount of time to down a banana as it did to pee, one or two minutes, and that this was not an official break, just the equivalent of a bathroom stop. I reasoned that giving report took several minutes between finding the other nurse and having them write things down. She insisted that I was wrong, and that I needed to follow procedure. At that moment the split happened. She went from human being to enemy. Unable to verbalize or meet my needs, I now viewed her as someone to defend myself against, an unreasonable foe.

For the next two or three days I could hardly bring myself to greet her, much less chit-chat. These were going to be a long several weeks of training. Even the way I looked at her was different. After a half day she noticed, and tried to make easy conversation, but I responded with one or two curt words. Not because I was trying to punish her, but because I couldn’t access any of the kindness in her, or myself. The look in her face was surprised, big eyes, startled, maybe even a bit afraid. She also did not have the verbal-emotional skill to communicate.

I hated that she was afraid of me, or some feeling I couldn't put a word to. After all, I had really said nothing, I thought. I hadn’t called her any names, verbalized any judgments, or raised my voice. But there was that uneasy tension. And I seemed to be hijacked by this negative emotion towards her, and now towards myself. That’s adult splitting.

Afraid

I recognized that same look from a few other people in my life when I got silent: other nurses, students, a sibling, even my partner. Damn I hate when people are afraid of me. I don’t want them to be afraid of me, I just want to get certain needs met, like eating when I’m hungry, feeling respected, a sense of autonomy, being heard… The point is that this was a pattern I saw, but couldn’t quite put my finger around.

Needs I didn’t know how to articulate. Kindness and mentoring I didn’t yet know how to access for myself or others.

Calling them back

When victims of war trauma come back and seek treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a therapist has a few techniques at her/his disposal. If she has built a trusting relationship, s/he can call back a patient back to their presence. In the recollecting of a traumatic memory, like witnessing a comrade get shot in the back, the survivor may get hijacked by inexplicable fear and forget where they are, have difficulty breathing, seeing, controlling their emotions, even after years. The trusted therapist in this recollection process can call them back by name cueing them to breathe, maintain eye contact, reminding them that they are there for them, where they are. Whatever it is that they’ve discovered works. In the initial stages this could happen 3 times a minute, 50 or 60 times in an hour. It gradually becomes less necessary as the survivor learns to cue and self-soothe themselves, while not avoiding the difficult grief, anger, or whatever emotion or image coming to them.

She’s talking to you

I recognized this technique in a union rep I had while a teacher. In a difficult conversation with an administrator, she reminded me, “Percy, look at [administrator], they’re talking to you.” This helped me stay engaged, where she saw that I was dissociating. Using my name and encouraging eye contact brought back the humanity.

Expressing what they can’t express

I’ve seen people doing this spontaneously to each other, more often in South America, but here in North America too. Around a meal table to include a silent or shy one. To a child who’s tantruming. We don’t leave them alone, we engage them, help them express a need that they might not be able to express.

Gay kid

Being a gay kid growing up in a super religious family, with messages of damnation everywhere in the church and community, my ego learned to protect itself in certain ways. In ways often unconscious. When I finally did come out, many people no longer spoke to me, or had lots of hateful things to say. With large numbers of people expressing conflicting opinions and thoughts, some people expressing their great “love” for me, but in their next breath saying that it was better that I had not been born, and literally fearing for my life or bodily harm sometimes by the threats, in broad strokes I learned eventually to have the sense to eliminate people who stirred such negative emotions in me. It was an appropriate response of self-preservation at the time. People who did not express support, but sat silent while others bullied and shamed me, were too brushed aside as enemies in my mind. Collaborators I assumed.

Not that simple now

Now that the years have gone by it is time not to place all people in two categories: haters and lovers. It’s not that simple. People are more complex than that. Some people are not to be trusted, others have demonstrated that they can be trusted. Sometimes a person messes up, but then proves themselves trustworthy, or friend. We develop a sense of discernment with people and learn to take them on a case by case basis. With some increased sense of identity, love, and stability, it is time to stop splitting as a defense mechanism, whether it be about sexuality, work situations, partner scenarios.

Flying back

Flying back from grad school a month ago I felt both terrible and wonderful. Terrible that I was still doing this splitting. Frequently. At work with the rude transporter, the born-again nurse speaking ill of the “gays’ lifestyle,” my partner when he forgets sometimes that there are two of us when he’s making coffee, my neighbor when he talks over me. Enemies no more. And wonderful that I could see it, as the days turned in to weeks. And I could choose instead to maintain the eye contact, and keep speaking, and verbalize what I need, and claim what is my right to claim with gentleness (eat when I am hungry, pee when my bladder is full, use my time as I see fit). Empowered with this new self-knowledge about splitting. Now strength with grace. Separation with connection. Friends and complex human beings, just like me. Ungraceful at times, beautiful at times. Both.